Could I love myself enough?
There were a lot of things going on in my dream, as in my waking life, but as I stood on the beach shoreline, it was the towering, twenty something foot wave that had my immediate attention. It was seconds from coming down on top of me. With no time or safe place to go, my plan was to drop to the sand, hold my breath and wait for the wave to recede. Waves always recede.
The weight and force of the wave pinned me face down to the sand. I waited. I kept waiting. My lungs were at tearing point. I had to breathe. The wave was not receding. Rather, it became solidified laying atop of me, leaving an air pocket the size of a small hand around my nose and mouth. Desperate to breathe, I dared to let the air out of my lungs and took in three fast, short, shallow breaths...and awoke in my bed.
The pall of that dream hung over me for the next twenty four hours. Like the wave, itself, there was no escaping its message. My daily, waking life was a towering weight of never ending, always ongoing duties, errands and chores. Doing for others, doing anything at all were the reasons I could not do for me; could not, would not, should not nurture my creative soul. I was "needed" elsewhere - and elsewhere was suffocating me!
Hereiswhereiam is sustaining and nurturing me. It is, this blog is, the result of the "moving force" in my dream. My creative soul was screaming for air. Writing had to matter more than the reasons to do it - or not to do it. The matter, the focus, the energy I gave to writing had to bring to bear more weight than the wave of all my other thoughts, habits or patterns combined. Could I love myself enough to give me room to breathe? "Yes," she said. "At long last, yes!"